The spiders that live in Buckingham Palace now are probably the descendants of the spiders that lived there during Vistorian times - it's a whole parallel royal family but with spiders.

Condoms are made by automated assembly lines, meaning that robots are literally helping to prevent human reproduction.

If we do find a new world that could host life, the people most responsible for ruining earth will be the ones to afford to go there.

Puberty is your body installing new hardware so that it can run human reproduction software effectively.

A Family Friendly Way of saying “Mother F**ker” is “Father.”

Terror and horror are synonyms, but terrific and horrific are antonyms

Pronouncing the “E” at the end of “Testosterone” makes it sound like a pasta

Being asked "What kind of person would you like to be when you grow up?" instead of "What do you want to be when you grow up?" might have made us all better people.

If you donate one kidney to a hospital, you’re a hero but if you donate 20, you go to jail.

The smarter you are, the more dumbasses you have around you.

Eating ice cream is portrayed as a happy moment as a kid but is portrayed as depressing as an adult.

You are not actually afraid of being alone in the woods or the dark, you are afraid that you are not alone.

A kid napping is a good thing while kidnapping is a bad thing.

The sentence "it is not" can be contracted as " 'tis not", "it's not" and "it isn't".

If Wolverine can heal/regenerate his wounds, then no matter what, Wolverine is uncircumcised.

In the movies, nobody's locker is ever on the bottom row.

The Miss Universe contest is fixed. It's always won by someone from Earth.

Any vehicle can be an off-road vehicle if you don’t give a shit.

In ten thousand years, archeologists will have their timelines messed up when they dig up Amish towns.

When you describe the physical appearance of both, a unicorn sounds way more realistic than a platypus.

During sex, men are concentrating on holding off orgasm while women are focusing on achieving it.

It is rather unfortunate that humans failed to find two different symbols for the letter O and the number 0.

The offspring of a centaur and a mermaid has a 25% chance of being either a seahorse or a human.

If two babies are born at the exact same moment but on different sides of the planet, theyll have differing birth dates and times but will be the exact same age.

It must be hard for dragons to blow out candles.

News reporters say “Good evening” then proceed to tell you why it isn’t

People who claim to "Hate Gays" spend a lot more time thinking about gay sex than the average straight person

Advertising is how rich people beg.

A butt load of dildos is one dildo

A ton of whales isn’t even a full whale

In the future we’ll look back on chemo in the same way that we now look back on bloodletting and other gruesome cures for disease

There are probably tortoises still alive that saw Charles Darwin at the Galapagos Islands.

The truest example of Pavlovian conditioning is that every time you hear 'Pavlov' you automatically think of a dog.

Adulthood is going to work when you’re sick because you used all of your sick days when you weren’t actually sick. 

You shouldn’t have to pay tax on things in second hand stores because they were already taxed the first time they were bought.

Using your significant other’s photo as your phone background is the modern day version of putting their picture in a pocket watch or locket

If owls in Harry Potter know the exact location of a recipient, the Aurors could have sent an owl to Voldemort and followed it to find out where he was hiding.

The first dog to take a leak on Mars will temporarily be the most dominant dog on the whole planet

Having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Most of adulthood is spent saying “fuck this” while doing it anyway

You might have seen an undiscovered life form at some point in your life and just ignored it because you assumed it was already discovered.

Some parking spaces make more money in an hour than a worker on a minimum wage.

Keeping your phone in your pocket and then checking the time on it is a nice throw-back to ye olde pocket-watch days.

When your SO gets pregnant everyone rubs her belly and says "congratulations" but no one rubs your dick and says "good job"

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are the stages of waking up

Without a plan, technically nothing can really go wrong.

Ripping holes in fishnets decrease the count of holes in them.

When smoking cannabis using a bong, you are combining fire, water, earth and wind for the purpose of relaxation.

We laugh at dogs when they look for food in their bowls after they've already eaten everything, but we check the fridge for snacks multiple times a day even though nothing new is going to be in there.

Glitter is litterally 85.7% litter.

There are many men named Hunter, but oddly no women named Gatherer.

Antarctica is the statistically best place to have a baby because all 11 babies born there lived, making it have a 0% infant mortality rate.

Minimum wage went from the minimum to raise a family in a house to the minimum amount required to not die.

When girls gain weight, they get bigger boobs and ass, but when guys gain weight their penis becomes smaller.

Adam and Eve must have had premarital sex, since there was nobody around to officially wed them.

If you could understand the speech of animals, whenever you're outside your ears will be overloaded with yells of, "HAVE SEX WITH ME! HAVE SEX WITH ME!"

If you don't have kids, you will be the first organism in your direct lineage to not reproduce since the beginning of life on Earth.

Twice a day between 3.14 and 3.15 there is an infinitesimal timeframe when it is exactly Pi o' clock.

Something that is "on" the ceiling is technically under the ceiling.

You can not smell fire. Only the things it burns. 

Since caffeine is a drug, the cashiers at Starbucks are technically drug dealers.

Adulting is the transition from not swearing around adults to not swearing around children

Same-sex relaxationships help to slow the process of overpopulation.

If you divide current year (2020) by 5 you get an error 

Before the internet people were ignorant because of lack of information. Now people are ignorant because they only find what they want to find.